Why Am I Doing This?

I’ll tell you (and remind myself!) why:

1. I’m turning thirty next month.
Holy molina!!!! I am going to be 30. WHEN THE HECK DID THAT HAPPEN??? I’ve been pretty terrified by the number 30 for the past year. On this blog, I’ve alluded to having gone through some pretty major life changes over the last couple of years. Until about a year and a half ago, I thought that my life was set. I was comfortable (not necessarily a good thing…). I felt pretty certain (not necessarily happy) about the direction in which my life was headed… Committed relationship, planning for a family, secure in career, a happy little social circle, etc. When those comforts and certainties were ripped out from beneath me, I had to re-evaluate and re-construct many aspects of my life. There is something about turning 30 and not having everything “figured out” (as I thought I did) that is frightening, and yet exhilarating at the same time. In many ways, I feel happier and stronger than I have in a very, very long time. This milestone birthday is incredibly significant to me for many reasons, the main one being that I can’t keep putting off getting healthy (and subsequently improving other areas of my life in ways I probably can’t even imagine right now) because I’m sure not getting any younger. 😉

How appropriate.

2. I want to pursue my passion again.
When I was a little girl, I fell madly in love with singing and performing on stage. From Oklahoma Kids  competitions (“It’s an art! It’s an art!” … Only my family will appreciate that. Oh, and thanks mom, for altering my hot pink waitress costume when it got a little too small. I don’t think I ever learned the art of being a “great waitress.”) to ‘Magination Station musicals in junior high (The role of Chava in Fiddler On The Roof is my claim to fame.) to all-state choir in high school to earning a bachelor of music degree in vocal performance, music is what I love. It is what fuels me. It brings me so much joy, and without it in my life, I feel a tremendous sense of loss. I do not feel whole. (Sound dramatic? Yeah, I tend to have a flare for that. But this really does mean a lot to me.) 

Oh, look... There I am, portraying the role of Susanna in Mozart's The Marriage of Figaro.

My senior recital in college... Bear with me... I enjoy reminiscing.

Awwww... It's me and my family after a performance of Hansel and Gretel!

I haven’t sung in quite some a reeeeally long time. Getting fit is important because I don’t feel comfortable auditioning or performing (no matter what the venue) in my current body. A life without singing is not one that I want to live. It is too much a part of who I am for me to let it go.

3. I want to be a happy and healthy “LeeLee” to the sweetest niece and nephew on the planet.

My sister, niece Micah, nephew Beckett + me, shortly after Beckett was born

Having these two precious little loves in my life has really changed me. Before I became an aunt a little over two years ago, I had NO IDEA how much I would love my sister’s children. They bring indescribable joy to my life and consistently remind me of the beauty and simplicity in life.

LOOK AT THAT SMILE!!! Melts. My. Heart.

I love this picture. 🙂

4. I. AM. WORTH. IT.
I am worth fighting the daily/hourly/minute-by-minute fight.
I am worth every good (not easy) choice.
I am worth the extra 1/4 mile run, even when it feels like my legs cannot possibly carry me any further.
I am worth taking my life back.

I’ll be honest… Some days, I do not believe these words. I’m not totally convinced that I’m worth all of this hard, grueling work, and I’m not talking about the physical work. I’m referring to the mental aspect of this journey. That is, by far, the most difficult. And even though some days I can’t seem to get it through my head, in this moment I know that I truly AM worth all of this.  That’s why, despite not being perfect all the time, my journey continues.

Happy Hump-Day/Leap-Day!



8 responses to “Why Am I Doing This?

  1. Great post Lindsey! You can do it! Sarah

  2. You are SO worth it. You have been worth it since the moment your heart started beating. If you forget that again, just call me. Love you, sis. Xoxo

  3. You are WORTH far more than YOU even understand. You have an amazing and beautiful life ahead of you. Always remember, you are stronger than you imagined you could ever be and with that strength you will continue to take control of your life and see the results that will bring you much, much deserved happiness.
    I love you Linz jean!!

  4. LOVE your blog, and am SO proud of you! Such an inspiration! Loved getting together with you, let’s do it again soon! 🙂

  5. thank you!!! and, you are an inspiration to ME, katie!! we will definitely hang again soon.

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